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[brine04]

A random oxford professor:

I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly. I returned to Oxford after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society. Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym. I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men. Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass. Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing vaginas. It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am. Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a café and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing - scotch. Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctors' ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness. When manly men aren't eating pieces of s*** like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette. Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking. Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.
> MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you d rive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an ass puncher.

If not please go somewhere suitable such as HT or Ohmt

[highroller54]

lol

[Corey]

hahahaha

[Kenny Rogers]

7. If you d rive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

lol

[colt45]

lol

[92CXyD]

reminds me of this:
                                Denis Leary - Asshole Music Video.
 for some reason I think it is because if you do not think this is funny than you do not belong here. ;D
 
 

[Joseph Davis]

ok

[MantisX]

Good read.

[97Econobox]

I fucking hate dennis leary.  used to be cool till you realized most of it was teh same thinly guised joke just done over and over.  Same with dennis miller adn George Carlin.  Yeah i said it.  overrated. 

Carlin was funny but after his wife died he was just angry with everyone.

[Joseph Davis]

I fucking hate dennis leary.  used to be cool till you realized most of it was teh same thinly guised joke just done over and over. 

Bill Hicks only produced so much material that Leary could steal before he died.

[97Econobox]

Indeed sir.

[j.h.christ]

another dead hero

[bigdaddyvtec]

afreed, except for the kitty thing. cats are fucking awesome

[brine04]

afreed, except for the kitty thing. cats are fucking awesome

cat's are gay, they are only good for cheap cruel entertainment

[highroller54]

afreed, except for the kitty thing. cats are fucking awesome

cat's are gay, they are only good for cheap cruel entertainment

I have a big black tom cat that will fuck you and your dog up.

[bigdaddyvtec]

DOgs are dependant and boring

[j.h.christ]

DOgs are dependant and boring

[Joseph Davis]

DOgs are dependant and boring

You really broadcast your commitment issues.

[BoostedSchemes]

whats the deal gays?

[7808]

i like that

[widebody93]

Fucking A
funny but true shit. INCLUDING THE CAT SHIT
Only pussy waking around my house stands taller that 5 foot and weighs less than 110. And not a tail but only a tail to bone.

[bigdaddyvtec]

Fucking A
funny but true shit. INCLUDING THE CAT SHIT
Only pussy waking around my house stands taller that 5 foot and weighs less than 110. And not a tail but only a tail to bone.

coming from the queen of teh gay

[salesmonkey]

afreed, except for the kitty thing. cats are fucking awesome

cat's are gay, they are only good for cheap cruel entertainment

I have a big black tom cat that will fuck you and your dog up.

ya i have a cat as well. guy is crazy, but then again i killed the nieghbor cat with my 44 magnum 2 weeks ago because it kept coming over hanging around my cat. i like cats as long as there friendly and not little bitches that run away. also good to have around to keep the rodents away.

[Joseph Davis]

afreed, except for the kitty thing. cats are fucking awesome

cat's are gay, they are only good for cheap cruel entertainment

I have a big black tom cat that will fuck you and your dog up.

ya i have a cat as well. guy is crazy, but then again i killed the nieghbor cat with my 44 magnum 2 weeks ago because it kept coming over hanging around my cat. i like cats as long as there friendly and not little bitches that run away. also good to have around to keep the rodents away.

Oh, no, you didn't just start that thread all over again.

[j.h.christ]

[rsmith2786]

Lifting weights is gay. Not to say that being gay necessarily means that you are by definition not manly. I am sure that there is nothing manlier that grabbing two handfuls of back hair and plowing another dude’s stink-hole. But Zach Parks is clearly talking specifically about heterosexual manliness. And I say going to the gym and lifting wieghts is GAY!

This muscle bound jerk gets pissed at all the pussy spring-break kids in the gym and then goes back to standing with his crotch over his buddy’s face yelling "DO IT!!!", while the his "lifting-partner" squirms and whimpers trying to get off one more rep on the bench press. Then they both go pose in the mirror-wall for an hour, discussing how to even out their glutes, contemplating whether their delts are in proportion to their lats, copping feels of each others firm pecs, and complimenting each other on the progress they are making "Blasting their quads." Next they hit the shower to shave off all their body hair and brag about the all bitches they bang, while trying not to look at each others packages. Finally, Zach heads home to watch Jean Claude Van Damme movies and read muscle magazines that are filled with full page spreads of greased up dudes in Speedos. Fucking GAY!!!!!

When I think of a manly man, I think of Humphrey Bogart in "To Have and Have Not." That fucker was a 110 pound, scotch drinking, chain smoking, gun shooting, boat captianing can of whoop-ass. That bad ass never saw a gym and he didn't need one. He was strong enough to smack any women back into her senses, pull in a giant marlin onto his boat, steady a shot gun on the open sea, and pistol-whip any fat, beret wearing French dude into submission. And you don't need to be any stronger than that.

When manly men do have muscles, they don't get them from working out in the gym. Manly men's muscles aren't sculpted in the gym because of vanity and body worship. Their muscles are functional tools that are built from working on heavy machinery, chopping down trees, chucking bowling balls, smashing shit with sledgehammers, and carrying women off to bed. I am thinking of Clint Eastwood in "Any which way but lose" here. Philo Beddoe was a muscular manly-man. But his muscles came from pulling transmissions out of trucks, bare-knuckle boxing, smacking around mob men, and wrestling an orangutan, not from doing swat thrusts and eating protein shakes.

In summary, Pecs are boobs and lifting weights is not manly.

[SDRAWKCAB]

I can't take a shit in public rest rooms, But I can shit in a bag in a parking lot and throw it at something.
I also like to put my arms strait out on each side and spin around while taking a piss in a parking lot.
It makes me feel like a helicopter.

I dont know why I felt to express my inability to shit in dirty ass public rest rooms.

GOOD DAY
p.s. I just go out of class and was getting ready to go to the gym when I read this. lol
its back and bicep day

[Adam Lofton]

TRL/Mickey Mouse Club

 LOL