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Author Topic: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?  (Read 3110 times)

Doug

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Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« on: June 10, 2009, 02:17:47 AM »
In light the "Girls don't fart" thread it made me wonder what kind of shitty stories (pun intended) you guys have. I know I'm not the only one who has had close calls or even worse the one who didn't make it.

My story:

This was like in 04 at the Big Spring Jam (music festival). All the streets around the central part of down town Huntsville are closed down so you have to park a good min away. I park in a parking garage on the fourth floor about three blocks away. Well this was Sun night and the event was over. We are walking out and at this point you cannot go back in through the gate. So as we are walking toward the gate I feel a rumble. Get outside and it keeps getting worse now with pains. You know the full blown shits pains.

My GF at the time was following me, and I make it all the way up to my car and she has to get some stuff out as she is riding with her mom. She gets her stuff and stays around for the usual huggy kissy lolly gag bullshit for 10 min. She leaves and as I sit in my car it's there. It's right on the brink of leakage. So I look around and can't find a bathroom anywhere in this big ass garage. At this point I'm sweating, feeling hot, and walking around like a cork stuck in my ass. I see a stair well and head through the door. Make it up the first half flight of stairs (one of the ones where you go up half, flat spot/turn around, up the other half) and it's game over. Shoes get kicked off, shorts/boxers go flying, and a spray of shit fly's. Big ass puddle of pudding with a huge moat around it was left. Used boxers appropriately, and then proceeded to leave.

When I got home I started to worry. I was like oh shit what if there were cameras in there I didn't have the time to look. Took a few days, but the shit bandit was never sought after.


Cliff: Almost shit my pants so let it loose in a stair well.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2009, 02:20:09 AM by Doug »
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Joseph Davis

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2009, 02:38:47 AM »
Oh god please not this thread.
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snm95ls

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2009, 02:51:17 AM »
That is some funny shit.

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LS1pwNzJ00

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2009, 02:56:20 AM »
Ex gf was preggo, took a quick walkp down a long set of stairs and now I'm not a father or with her anymore.  People should watch where they're walking
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crttaz

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2009, 03:26:32 AM »
First SBZ Farm party, I crapped myself and drove 1.5 hours home.....sitting in the matter....tossed out all the clothes.

BTW this coming weekend is 3rd annual SBZ Farm Party and shoot....wish me luck!!!!







BTW, You might know those three people, they were on Pinks 2008 Season opener.
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fishinfool88

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2009, 04:14:04 AM »
Had a friend who worked at subway, gave me the hookup on a chicken parmesian sub.  Ate it, and notice the chicken was cold, didn't care, munchies are a bitch.   Went to friends house, friends not there.  Call him, he says 10 minutes.  I wait outside in the cold for about 20.  Call him back.  As I'm talking, I feel lava in the stomach.  I had time to say "Oh shit", then instantly puked down the front of myself. As I was puking, lava started flowing out the other end.  Happened so fast, no time to drop trow.  As he pulls up, I ask him for trash bags.  I take off my drawers, lose the puke shirt/shitwater soaked boxers.  Notice only a small stain in the jeans so I put them back on.  I tell him I'm going to smoke a cig (don't smoke).  Call another buddy tell him my car's broke, need a ride. I tell him to open the trunk when he arrives, throw one inconspicuous triple bagged shitty boxer/puke shirt combo in and hop in without a shirt on.  It's 10F out, so he asked why no shirt.  I tell him I spilt beer.  He gives me a ride home, and I finally tell him the story.  He damn near pukes laughing while watching me toss said bag.  I walk inside, shower/change, take some pepto, and get a ride back to my buddies house while I tell story over some doobage action.  My friend no longer works I subway, and I still refuse to eat there.
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j.h.christ

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2009, 04:30:21 AM »
i had food poisoning last week. ever wake yourself up with a monster fart? well, i certainly did. Only instead of just gas, it was a cloudy mix of what looked to be a suspension of 10% refried beans in 90% water. all over my down comforter. 200 bucks down the drain. thanks, taco bell.
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97Econobox

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2009, 08:44:38 AM »
One time I shit in a canal.  there was a bulkhead, i had to shit so i hung my ass over and shit in it.

Other than that one drunken time I am boring, since im a shameful shitter I only shit in my own bathroom and my body will just naturally not need to go for about a 48 hour period if i aint at home.
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Kenny Rogers

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2009, 12:36:12 PM »
I didn't shit for 4 days at Warped Tour at the gorge becuase the bathrooms had shit/piss everywhere and no TP.  4 days worth of beer-shits backed up... let's just say the Safeway at North Bend has been tainted.

I also shit in Lake Chelan when I was about 14... I didn't feel like heading back home to shit.  I'm pretty sure it floated into my friend's chin.  I said nothing.
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Tim

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2009, 12:41:47 PM »
First time I grilled ribs I didn't know most people boil them first.  I had a couple full racks stacked on one of those tiny ass charcoal grills but we were drunk and it was dark so all was good.  Then about the last rib (the one that was kind of stacked on the grill) I noticed it seemed chewy so I looked over the fire and it was basically raw pink.

Next morning I woke up hung over in my tent with barely enough time to rip through the zipper door before I started to vomit.  Then had to quickly lean my ass up against a tree as I sprayed pudding looking shit.  While I shat I had to lean over and start vomitting again.  I could barely hold myself up the world was spinning from being so drunk the night before.  All said and done I realized the place had picked up and there were people walking around, I had to wake up the girl I was with and have her go to the car for napkins as I was stuck against the tree naked vomiting and shitting.

I also sharted once while racing (double speed limit at least type shit) to the airport to catch a plane.  Now that was a dilema: find a place to clean your ass/finish shitting, or make the plane?  I think I pulled off the road and squatted with my door as cover, left a pile of napkins from cleaning my ass on top of my pile of shit, and made the plane without boxers hoping they didn't pull me for 'additional screening'.
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Sinister

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2009, 01:05:07 PM »
just ask julio  :P
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d112crzy

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2009, 01:52:57 PM »
Quote from: Sinister on June 10, 2009, 01:05:07 PM
just ask julio  :P
lol, I was about to ask where he was.
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RotaryGeek

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2009, 04:42:30 PM »
Quote from: d112crzy on June 10, 2009, 01:52:57 PM
Quote from: Sinister on June 10, 2009, 01:05:07 PM
just ask julio  :P
lol, I was about to ask where he was.

Yeah he has the good sharting story.

Just a whole minute ago i opened this thread and then i got the bubble guts and ran to take a nasty shit. It wasn't really a close call, and i enjoyed nice soft toilet paper instead of leaves/boxers/napkins. Just thought it was wierd that i was reading this thread and then had to shit really bad. I continued to read this through my phone while i was shitting.
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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2009, 05:20:43 PM »
I used to have a neighbor that we all hung out with but really didn't like that much. We would go do "Shit n' Split" at his house. Wait till you gotta shit, then go over to his house. Grab a soda and a bag of chips (the little ones of doritos) and sit around talking to him for a minute. Finish your soda and chips, then say you gotta go to the bathroom. Shit in his toilet, and don't flush. Then walk out, leaving the bathroom door wide open and say you gotta go home for a minute. We must have done that to him about 30 times before he realized what we were doing. This was between a group of about 5 guys, almost everyday. Used to crack us up all the time. Till one of my dumb ass friends upper decked his moms toilet and we all got banned from his house.
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Towdogg

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2009, 09:52:23 PM »
Anytime I go out riding my Quad I always wear a white t-shirt under my other clothes just in case......    Had to use it once....
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Logan76

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #15 on: June 10, 2009, 10:40:05 PM »
Taco bell must fuck everyone up, Last two times I've ate there I throw the fuck up. Fuck that place.
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brine04

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #16 on: June 10, 2009, 11:47:36 PM »
Couple weeks ago I was laying on my bed in the motel cruising rhmt and felt like i had to rip a wicked fart. Wrong! liquid shit shot out of my ass and i was like oh fuck and ran into the shitter only to remember i wasn't wearing underwear and now had a nasty mix of runny shit in the shorts I had bought that week. Tossed those fuckers out for the maid to deal with.
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salesmonkey

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Re: Worst shits/closest calls you've had?
« Reply #17 on: June 11, 2009, 12:46:34 PM »
i was out shooting this winter when it was cold as shit with snow on the ground. well i had previously shit water cream out of my house about 3 times in a 2 hour period before i left so i thought i was all shited out. well we got out and was shooting and hiking around. as i stop and tried to fart, luckily i pretty much shit myself dry at home, and a little squirt comes out as i quickly clinch my checks to stop. i yelled at my friend and told him i shit myself and to walk the other way as i take care of business. i walked out on one of the ponds that is frozen over and took my cloths off and took a shit on the frozen ice and then cleaned myself with my boxers and left them there. yelled back at my friend to check out the goods and then blasted it with our guns haha. good times for all
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