www.textsfromlastnight.com(573): Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
(650): I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
(608): I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
(512): Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
(419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
(845): At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
(914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
(650): sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
(415): we had.
(650): well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
(843): I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
(312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
(773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
(502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
(303): You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
(303): She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
(810): I'm laying in your front yard are you home
(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.
(906): 3. 3dolla. 3dolla pint night
(616): what happened to 2?
(906): prices went up times are tough
(323): Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
(310): You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
(323): So...no?
(973): haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
(630): savin' lives aint cheap
(424): The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
(512): I pooped in a mop bucket.
(1-512): WTF???
(512): Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
(401): my mouth tastes like poor choices
(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
(815) Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
(1-815) You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
(734): hey call me
(810): can't. in the shower.
(734): ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
(713): Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
(832): you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
(858): My sheets look like a crime scene.
(202): Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
(914): saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
(774): im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
(508): I dont have a dog?
(774): WTF
Author
Topic: www.textsfromlastnight.com funny shit (Read 5679 times)